Oridinary Mommy….Extraordinary kids

I am just an ordinary mommy that was blessed enough to have extraordinary children. There are many days when I feel unworthy of the blessings I have received in each of my kids, and then there are days I am asking the Universe what I did to deserve all of this at one time because I don’t feel capable of handling it all.

Having a child with autism can in itself create challenges to everyday life, right? Well let’s add another child with ADHD to that mix. Then, let’s give another child a life altering traumatic brain injury to make things fun. To top it all off, let’s make the only child without a “label” really opinionated (aka spoiled rotten) and difficult to discipline and teach without struggle. I mean, if that doesn’t sound like a recipe for F-U-N I don’t know what does!!

Sarcasm aside, I know deep in my heart how blessed I am to have each and every one of these challenges presented to me. I know that there is some grand design, and each of these amazing children were meant for me for reasons I may never fully understand.

The moments when my youngest rejects all assumptions about her capabilities, or the moment when my oldest son reaches out to hug me and knowing how hard it is for him to do it. The moment when my second son has so much energy he just is about to burst and makes me laugh so hard my sides ache. The moment when my three-year old diva shows all of her personality and then some and makes me remember my Grandmother’s warnings of payback.

As stressful as each of the challenges can be, the children themselves make it all worth it. I am just an ordinary mom dealing with ordinary things. I cook, I clean (most days), and I make sure my children are safe and sound. My children are the extraordinary ones, not me.

 

 

Decisions decisions

If you have known me for any length of time you may have picked up on something about me. I have a hard time making decision without seeking the approval, or input of others. Before the internet, I would call my parents for everything. What should I make for dinner, what should I do this weekend, should I go see that movie, should I watch this new show…. it’s actually pretty sad how little I trusted my own decision making. Of course the decisions I made on my own without consulting anyone didn’t turn out so hot, so maybe I had reason not to trust my instincts (i.e. getting married at 19)

More recently, I have found myself posting on here, or Facebook seeking out the opinion of friends, family, total strangers. I have some very opinionated friends, and the ones that “know me” tend to be the first to reply and let me know how they feel. For awhile, I accepted this. After all, I care what others think. I don’t trust myself, so why not take on the opinion of others.

But you know what…. I am kind of sick of it.

I am tired of that pull to ask the world what I should do. I am tired of people treating me like a damn lost puppy because I don’t make decisions myself. Friends assuming that poor fragile Crystal needs to be guided and directed or she will just be lost.

It’s not their fault. This is the expectation I have set for anyone in my life. I care what you think more than I care what I think so please tell me what to do.

 

Well, no more. It may have taken 30 years, but I am over other people’s opinions. If I want to do something, I will do it. If I post something, opinions I can’t stop, but don’t expect me to buy into what you want just because thats what I have done for years. Roll your eyes, assume this won’t last. I don’t care anymore. I am tired of living for everyone but myself.

So little time…

The human mind is fascinating. To have so many thoughts coming and going all at the same time and still being able to function is quite impressive when you think about it.

Take your day to day concerns, successes and to do lists, and then add stress, worries and what ifs…. It’s no wonder we’ve become a Prozac Nation.

Right now I feel like my plate is so full that there could not possibly be anymore coming my way. Then, another serving. It’s not all bad, it’s just a lot.

Boys’ in school, Joseph’s condition, Jonathan’s condition, Jordyn’s potty training, Jake’s back injury, Jaelyn’s condition, graduating from College, choosing a Bachelor’s program (then changing my mind 5 times)…My own physical and mental health. Thinking about what I could do better for my children, missing my family, being torn about where we live….Shall I go on? No…I’d rather not.

I know that some of it is just unnecessary stress that I should probably not spend energy on. Some I should probably focus on more than I do. It’s all about balance. I will work everyday to figure it all out, even though I know that will probably never fully happen.

Liar liar, pants on fire

 

Lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me you love me, only to hurt me. Tell me it was innocent, all while you are preparing your attack. Smile in my face, while you nuzzle at her neck. Tell me I’m “the one” while you laugh behind my back. Tell me you are sorry for ever putting your hands on me, but really you feel you were justified. Tell your friends you treat me well, and I walk all over you. Please let them think I am the evil amongst us. Have another drink and tell me you don’t have a problem. Lies, tell me sweet little lies.

And you over there, Mr. Innocent. Denying our friendship, denying you ever knew me. Keep telling people how I made it all up. Keep telling your wife that you never told me the things that you did even though she knew us back then. Kiss me in the shadows, and then tell everyone I am crazy. Tell me you love me while you roll your eyes behind me. Make me look like the fool while you look like the poor tortured soul. Hit me to keep me quiet, and tell your mom I hurt myself. Please sir, keep it up. Tell those sweet little lies.

And to you, the one that started all. You would not exist without your lies. From the moment I was born you began to tell those tales. “No I would never touch you,I would never hurt you that way. Your mother hates you and I am your only way out. No one will ever love you, so let me keep you safe. Keep you safe with name calling, starvation, and sexual assault. Let me expose you to a world far beyond your years, but make sure that you lie to or you will meet your fears.” You do not exist without dishonesty. You do not know what the truth is. So please, lie. Tell me sweet little lies.

S.O.S

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?

I adore the Beatles. No matter what emotion I am dealing with, they have a song that touches on it. HELP is the song of the moment.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

First I will say I am not in danger. I am not in full blown crisis, and this is not me saying I need observation. This is me admitting I cannot do this on my own. Yes, I have strong character. Yes, I have been to hell and spoken to the residents and come out alive. Everyone has their breaking point though, and I am no different. And I guess, I am not really the person that needs the help because I have learned to function with high levels of anxiety and depression for many many years. My family, needs me to get help.

I am a giant ball of stress. When I am not angry at the miniscule things, I am crying over them. I am not myself. While I have learned to live like this, I cannot expect my family to “learn to deal with it”. It just isn’t fair.

So I made a phone call. I called the therapist’s office that I am allowed to see and they advised me they can do in home appointments. AMEN! Now I will not have an excuse of not having someone to watch girls for me to go in. This takes away my excuses. So Monday morning I will call back and find out my appointment time, and hopefully stay on this road to improvement.

 

 

Cycle and recycle

I have a pattern. I get pumped about doing surgery right, I work out, I stress out, I act out then I say I AM SICK OF THIS.

 

Right now I am in the “I’m sick of this” phase of my mental madness. I am sick of having to think of food all day everyday. I miss just being able to live my life and not read labels, or not worry if something is going to incapacitate me for the rest of the day. When I had surgery I didn’t know much, as admitted in a previous post. My mom didn’t have many issues, and on the surface didn’t seem to focus so much on what she ate and didn’t eat. She just lived. That is what I thought I was getting….and damn it, I want my money back!

I can’t be alone in wanting to just live a normal life. Does everything we talk about have to relate to our surgery? Does everything I do have to go back to the fact I was once 327 pounds?

I am just tired of having to think about it all the time. I just want a life. I have enough to constantly worry about and watch for, can we please just take FOOD off the table?!

Find out who your friends are

Friendship has always been a touchy subject for me, even as a child. I would tend to have one best friend, and then just have people I was nice to. I was very loyal, almost to a fault. Having Borderline personality disorder my view on relationships is sometimes skewed. I have general lack of trust, or belief that people actually care about me. I always think people secretly hate me, or are out to hurt me. Those aren’t reactions I can prevent, but I have learned overtime to work through them when possible.

What makes it difficult to work through that instinct is when people actually are hurting me behind my back, or at times right in front of me.

I can admit that I do not have a lot of experience with healthy friendships. Especially friendships that are face to face. Most of my friendships have developed, and stayed, online. I lost touch with many of my childhood friends while I was in a marriage that I wasn’t encouraged to maintain communication. When I came back to AZ they all had, understandably, moved on with their lives. The biggest problem that having the majority of your social interaction happen in front of a computer is that you can never know who is being 100% real with you. You may be in a circle of friends that you feel safe with, that you feel you can share anything with. Only weeks later to find out you are the topic of conversation when you aren’t around, and negative lies are being spread about you. It’s very easy to E-smile in someone’s face, while trashing them behind their backs. It has happened to me all too often. I am sure it has happened to you reading this.

Recently when I gave birth to Jaelyn I had friends coming out of the woodwork. I had never felt so loved in my entire life. I was constantly getting emails and well wishes. People wanting to send up prayers and good thoughts, people wanting information on how I was doing and how Jaelyn was doing. There was a lot of attention on our situation in my support circle, and in other groups I belong to. After a few weeks, the comments started to drift away. The questions died down. The presence of love wasn’t felt as strong. I didn’t question it. I can’t expect people to be as wrapped up in all of this as I am 24/7…they have lives of their own. Jaelyn came home, even less comments. Even less inquiries. Handful of people asking how she is doing, asking for pictures. I went from over 100 messages a day about my little girl, to 10. To none some days.

So of course since I AM a borderline, and I HAVE been burned by friends in the past I started to get paranoid. Feeling used, and discarded. Not everyone had abandoned me, please don’t get me wrong. But the numbers definitely diminished. This festering doubt was then fueled by unnamed fire. Whispers, private messages, she said this she said that…So and so doesn’t like you. So and so is fake you can’t trust them. Put your faith in me Crystal…Worst thing someone can do to someone like me is fuel the doubt fire. I felt so alone and so hurt.

Then reality comes in. You address the elephant in the room only to find out it was a bunny rabbit. You find that the bird in your ear was really a snake.

I am 29 years old. I have been burned, and I still deal with the pain from it. I do not need snakes in my life that want to pick at those scars, or make new ones. I am no longer going to allow the gossip to impact how I feel about myself, and about my friendships. I will know who my friends are because when the dust clears, and its no longer the cool thing to do to leave me wall messages or fawn all over me…its those people that are still here. Knowing this all still sucks, knowing its all still painful.

It may have taken some time, but damn it I know who my friends are.